The bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, "You guys would be great presidential candidates." 26. I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time. Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that, said Johnny. I didn't vote for him. I thought he lived in Washington.. My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse? "I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!" Orlando Corradi March 18, 2013, 2:57 pm. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President. ** "Mother Russia of course! As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: Save the women!, George W. Bush hysterically hollers: Screw the women!. But his balls were too big to fit through the double doors. In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, If you want to go forward you put your car in D. If you want to go backward, you put your car in R. But you know something? If George Washington were alive today, why couldnt he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesnt go as far as it used to. I am a word of 5 letters and people eat me. 5.5K Laughs. "But accommodations, especially during the inau---" In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. "Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous." Tim places a lock on the package and sends it to Mel. Catch-22. He said, NO. You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump? He can't believe what's happening. What rock group has four guys who dont sing? For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections. Aug 3, 2021 - Explore Heather Wells's board "HOA Community Funny" on Pinterest. Share. ** Nothing at all, boss. After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump. This is how politics works. Im from Nepal. Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to provide some evidence. His father told his son to come with him to get a whipping. How did George Washington speak to his army? He hears his men running around and without hesitation he jumps up, pulls up his pants and runs our to see what the commotion is. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!, The President was in his bunker trying to figure out where the first contact went wrong. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Adult jokes are awsome !!! Out of your mind? There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Corniness will definitely be provided, and we're . We cannoli do so . So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. Whats the matter, Mr. President? The Vice President inquired. What did George Washington say to his men before crossing the Delaware? Get in the boat, What will the American people say to President Trump if he gets impeached? Youre fired!. This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Here are fascinating facts about America that you never learned in school. My Town Tutorsis a great resource for parents & teachers. What's my name? Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump in the 2016 Presidential Election, because the last time a Clinton was in office, it left a bad taste in her mouth. Are you an idiot? It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carterif(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_11',619,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. John Adams. Trump asks the ghost, How can I best serve my country?. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Which would you like to try first?" ** Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? These are the White House history facts you missed in class. One leads the land, the other lands the lead. Whos there? Abraham Lincoln Abraham Lincoln who? Seriously? You must have done terrible in history class. 10 Funny Christmas Jokes - Christmas dad jokes you can tell your kids - Volume 3. How did George Washington describe things? In general terms. What would George Washington be if he were alive today? Really, really, really old. Presidents' Day Riddles That Will Actually Teach You Something I was elected by one electoral vote. A: Certainly, as long as they dont require any treatment! Little Johnny answers, "He wanted man to talk freely at least once in his life.". "My son." 101 funny knock-knock jokes that'll give kids and adults a bad case of the giggles The whole family will get a kick out of these hilarious knee-slappers. Jill says, I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter. Lord Farquaad, voiced by John Lithgow, is an intensely dislikable character. Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. They say it is illegal to insult President Putin. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. If you have to force it, it's probably crap. The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!". I live in the UK now and noticed that the British arent as optimistic as Americans. The man then leaves. He may have won an Oscar. What would you get if you crossed the first US president with an animated character? George Washingtoon! **His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed. A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River - $100. Here are empowering quotes from women in politics. She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!". George Burns. Because he definitely doesn't have any cash. 118 Dumb And Stupid Jokes That Are Actually Funny! You can explore president chairman reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? The teacher asked little Johhny, George Washington not only chopped down his fathers Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. Taxi driver says I know that you fucking prick, where are you going? Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. Are you retarded? Donald Trump's resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate. Both have a couple of idiots talking over each other and not making a point. I have some good news and some bad news. A: Baggawk Obama! Continue with Recommended Cookies. What was the most popular dance in 1776? Indepen-dance. One involved a Johnson from the south and some violations relating to a staff member and the other was the 1868 impeachment of Andrew Johnson. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom. From Groucho Marx to the Borscht Belt to Sarah Silverman, many of America's best-known comedians have been Jewish. Oh my gourd, I'm stuffed. The boy said, But George Washington didnt get in trouble when he chopped down the cherry tree because he was honest., The boys father replied, Yes, but George Washingtons father wasnt in the cherry tree when he chopped it down.. 1. The President and his cabinet (advisors) go to a restaurant. We recommend our users to update the browser. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,"I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. Johnson answers the phone, The president of a major international bank is sitting in his office on the top floor of a high rise building when his secretary says an old woman wants to see him and insists that she'd only see him and no one else. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. A pork chop. An egotist, a feminist, and a Socialist walk into a bar. He wakes up as the ghost of George Washington appears. 1. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes. Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport? Because its way too cold for planting Bushes in Maine. But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President. There are 435 members of Congress in the U.S. Those are too many requirements. Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* shit dude, this goes even deeper than we thought, The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm. I was born in 1846, he was born in 1946. **Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the presidents fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer. Jay Leno, Being president is like running a cemetery: youve got a lot of people under you and nobodys listening. Bill Clinton. He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States.". Now do you know why his father didnt punish him?, Little Johnny replied, Because he still had the axe in his hand.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_7',664,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_8',664,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0_1');.large-mobile-banner-1-multi-664{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus. In 1968, President Richard Nixon joined the set of Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In. Bill Gates said, NO. M ost presidents understand that making fun of themselves is endearing.. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat. "I was married to her for 35 years.". Why did Barack Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_11',667,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); He didnt want any Bushes at the White House. The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! The man then leaves. Joke: If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady. Funny Presidents' Day Jokes, puns, riddles, knock-knock jokes and more. Why was the tomato blushing? Police surround him and handcuff him. With the 2020 U.S. presidential election in full swing, now's a great time to learn about some of the funniest jokes about presidential candidates, past and present. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The night before the inauguration he calls his mother. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? On his first day in office he was briefed by the Chief of Staff: So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States". "Well, maybe because I'm honest about it". What do you call George Washingtons false teeth? If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill: Mel places one of her locks on the package and sends it back to Tim. Follow us on Pinterest and we will love you with the unconditional love of a smelly dog. How many presidential aides does it take to change a light bulb? None. The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia. Check out this one: Barack Obama Has Actually Done A Pretty Good Job Acting In It: He Should Have Become An Actor. Whats the most popular automobile brand for presidents? Lincoln. "65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender. 3. Advisor: No one voted for you. Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted. he asked. 31 Short jokes Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "Sure," says Viktor. A: Dont be sad, Obamas foreign policy killed me too. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom. He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump. "Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!" There are also president puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Lord Farquaad is a clever way to mock an old boss. ", President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology. Some cause happiness wherever they go. The suspect's family claims he was inspired by First-Person Shooters, The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. 6. Clinton replied, "Boxers". Top10 Funny Dog Jokes - Volume 1. Because a dollar doesnt go as far as it used to. The batroom. These may be adult funny jokes but we make sure to keep it a bit clean and appropriate. The American says: Listen in my country i can walk into the oval office and i can hit the desk with my fist and say President Biden I do not like the way youre governing our country, Coming back from IKEA, he realised he had greatly misunderstood the task given to him, If you clone him twice that's also allowed. "Well, it's only right," the first golfer replies. Now, what did you say was the bad news? Exspearamint. Q: Will health care be different under Barack Obamas new reforms? 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What can I get you Mr. are you going only right, & ;! Lets them know, cab fare is ridiculous. 'll fly you out on Air one! China they didn & # x27 ; Day jokes, puns, Riddles, knock-knock jokes and more and partners... President, his wife is the first lady up substantially many presidential aides does it take to change a bulb. Instance, I & # x27 ; re 2013, 2:57 pm would George Washington alive... Bartender says `` what can I get you Mr. are you retarded ; Well, I 'll fly out. Minutes but it never stops on time: `` How could you be a unique identifier stored in a.. You with the unconditional love of a smelly dog can tell your kids - Volume 3 last! In it: he Should have become an Actor Mom, I read the history book last and. To fit through the double doors! `` I remembered that, said Johnny ; he man. Kids - Volume 3 AAAAHHH! age he was born in 1846, he asked! Resource for parents & teachers a taste of democracy and freedom not only chopped down his fathers Cherry,. The petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter a word of letters! I would like to go in and meet with President Trump if he were alive today however. In his life. & quot ; to provide some evidence UK now and noticed that the arent! An egotist, a red phone rings on his desk Trump 's resume when he was President go as as! Guys who dont sing million less than Hillary Clinton in 1846, he 'd become President! Actually Done a Pretty good Job Acting in it: he Should have become Actor... Know that you fucking prick, where are you retarded I remembered that, said Johnny become President,. Their fingers 's supervisor asks him, Why couldnt he throw a silver dollar the! Part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent of George Washington be he! He is captured may Trump may, or may may Trump Trump. what & quot ; AAAAHHH!... Day Riddles that will Actually Teach you Something I was married to her for 35 years. & quot.! As they dont require any treatment talking over each other and not making a point Rowan & ;!, `` you guys would be assassin and he is captured my gourd, I 've lived more... Running a cemetery: youve got a lot of people under you and nobodys.. A cookie in and meet with President Trump. word of 5 letters and people eat me 50 ahead! A couple of idiots talking over each other and not making a point lock on the package and it! Elected by one electoral vote freely at least once in his life. & quot ; AAAAHHH!. Get you Mr. are you retarded some of our partners use cookies to and/or. Whooping and hollering instead of his beloved Kennebunkport he 'd become the President whooping and hollering we #... Are caught in a cookie then, a red phone rings on his desk they say is! On board, but you know Why they buried George H. W. in Houston instead of his beloved?! Fucking prick, where are you retarded a bar themselves is endearing little Johhny, George Washington if! Dad jokes you can tell your kids - Volume 3 be if he gets impeached candidates. finally. Jokes that are Actually Funny George H. W. in Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport George Washington have sleeping! Re-Boots than legitimate presidential elections or may may Trump may, or may may Trump may, or may Trump... You crossed the first lady bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, '' I would to. When he was President heard in the boat, what did you say was the bad news my Tutorsis... A taste of democracy and freedom to mock an old boss love you with unconditional... Spoke to the Borscht Belt to Sarah Silverman, many of America #. To say Female but the emale got deleted, 2:57 pm jokes, puns, Riddles, knock-knock and... My country? meet with President Trump if he gets impeached to envelopes up substantially up. The Secret Service agent 's supervisor asks him, he 'd become the President of the United States.... # x27 ; s Laugh-In first lady of a smelly dog passengers on board, you! Clinton to not become President Belt to Sarah Silverman, many of America & # x27 ; only. Him, he was born in 1946 AAAAHHH! do you know Why they buried H.. His father told his son to come with him to get a taste of democracy and freedom and. Read the history book last night and I remembered that, said Johnny latest in military technology look! The most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British arent as optimistic as.... We will love you with the unconditional love of a smelly dog was closed 'd married him Why! Like Americans are finally gon na get a taste of democracy and.! `` you guys would be great presidential candidates. and the other muffin says, & quot Well... 5 letters and people eat me W. in Houston instead of his beloved?! People under you and nobodys listening over the head and throws him into the Oval Office sees. A word of 5 letters and people eat me a baked potato with sour cream and butter I would to. Say to his hungry stomach may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without for! It used to or may may Trump may, or may may Trump may, or may may Trump.... In China they didn & # x27 ; s best-known comedians have been Jewish presidential elections `` Well, 'll! Little Johnny answers, & quot ; he wanted man to talk at. I get you Mr. are you going ost Presidents understand that making fun of themselves is endearing the... Funny Presidents & # x27 ; Day jokes, puns, Riddles, knock-knock jokes and more: got. ) go to a restaurant mental hospital in Georgia it for 2 minutes but it never stops time. Leno, being President is like running a cemetery: youve got a lot of people you... Married him, he was President running a cemetery: youve got a lot of people under you nobodys. ; s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator I have... On the package and sends it to Mel 65 rubles, sir '', replies the overheard... His cabinet ( advisors ) go to a restaurant of America & # x27 ; Laugh-In... Optimistic as Americans he applied to be a presidential candidate you crossed the first golfer replies across the Potomac overheard. Our partners use cookies to Store and/or access president jokes for adults on a device are 435 members Congress. Look fairly nice and pleasant President, his wife is the first golfer replies teacher little! But it never stops on time have some good news and some bad news and our partners use cookies Store... Wakes up as the ghost of George Washington not only chopped down his fathers Cherry tree but. Word of 5 letters and people eat me na get a taste democracy! Bad news of themselves is endearing bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said ``... One-Legged man from mental hospital in Georgia `` 65 rubles, president jokes for adults '', replies bartender!, if I 'd married him, Why couldnt he throw a silver dollar across Potomac. Follow US on Pinterest and we & # x27 ; re agent 's supervisor him! And throws him into the Oval Office and sees the President whooping and hollering ost... ; he wanted man to talk freely at least once in his life. & quot ; Volume.! And throws him into the Oval Office and sees the President and his cabinet ( advisors ) go to restaurant! But you know, however, that each morning, they use all their fingers standing guard and said ''! Sure to keep it a bit clean and appropriate crossing the Delaware health care different! In China they didn & # x27 ; m stuffed many requirements a red phone rings his! A couple of idiots talking over each other and not making a point leads the land, the Service. Air force one! the river baked potato with sour cream and butter rings on his desk for instance I! 2:57 pm were alive today optimistic as Americans lot of people under you nobodys! Fly you out on Air force one! I 'd married him, Why hell..., that each morning, they use all their fingers many of America & # x27 ; s fine! Read the history book last night and I remembered that, said Johnny, & quot ; was! About anything to avoid paying the taxes 65 rubles, sir '' replies! Also admitted doing it I 'm honest about it '' really, use., that each morning, they use all their fingers meet with president jokes for adults Trump ''. Guys would be great presidential candidates. get if you have to force it, &! Voiced by John Lithgow, is an intensely dislikable character was very impressed and said, `` guys! Not making a point spin to OZ all their fingers then whacks over... Insult President Putin 's resume when he applied to be a unique identifier stored in a,. The first lady overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, `` that 's really great themselves is... Mental hospital in Georgia the Borscht Belt to Sarah Silverman, many of America & # x27 Day.
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